When You’re Craving a Restaurant That Starts with ‘Q’

Have you ever been hit with that overwhelming urge to dine at a restaurant that starts with a specific letter of the alphabet? No? Me neither. Yet, somehow, food magazines insist on listing restaurant recommendations alphabetically.

Let’s paint the scene: You’re out with friends, and someone asks, “So, what are we in the mood for tonight?” You respond, “Hmm, I was thinking Mexican... but only if the restaurant starts with an ‘M.’” Your friends give you a puzzled look, but you’re committed. “We could do Italian, but only if it’s called ‘Il-something.’ Or, maybe we go wild and hit up that new spot called ‘Xquisite Sushi’? I’ve heard their xylophone-playing chef is to die for.”

It’s like the magazine editors thought, “Why would anyone want to find a restaurant based on location, cuisine, or price? No, no, the only logical way to organize this is by the first letter. Because who doesn’t want to play Restaurant Alphabet Roulette?”

Imagine, if you will, flipping through the magazine. You see recommendations for:

• A: “Alfonso’s Fine Dining”—Great, if you’re in the mood for upscale Italian.
• B: “Benny’s BBQ”—Perfect for a casual night of finger-licking good ribs.
• C: “Chez Gourmet”—When you want to feel fancy without knowing what the hell a ‘moules marinières’ is.

What are your options if you’re on a ‘Q’ streak? Quit while you’re ahead and make a sandwich at home?

You might be thinking, “Who are these people who organize food this way?!” I like to imagine the editorial meetings: “Steve, we’ve had feedback that people prefer recommendations by neighborhood or style of food.” Steve, dead serious, responds, “I hear you. But what if we went alphabetically?” And someone else chimes in, “But what if people don’t care about the first letter?” Steve leans in, lowers his voice, and says, “Trust me. When people crave, they crave consonants.”

Because, of course, that’s how we choose where to eat. Right after consulting our hunger pangs, we turn to the alphabet.

Number 4260 on my list of odd things that bug me.